The Gold Saucer Crisis
by Aerith Hojo
Summary: What can I say, besides Our heroes (Cloud, Sephiroth, Squall, and Red XIII) decide to go to the Gold Saucer, but something is wrong with it. Read more to find out.


Just to point out a few things: All the characters used in this fic belong to Squaresoft. Except for the few that I added in there... but I won't spoil it and tell you who they are. Another thing... All the ragging I do on Cloud is just for humorous purposes. I actually love Cloud, so don't think these fics are anti-Cloud because...they aren't. One more thing...I owe most of my thanks on this fan fic to Locke Cole from the big mog forums. Thank you so much for the inspiration! Well anyway...enjoy! ^.~ I hope you like it, and please R & R.  
  
The Gold Saucer Crisis  
  
Once again, it was another peaceful morning in Costa Del Sol. Though, it wouldn't be for long. All was quiet for some time, until about 10 AM, when screaming was heard from the inside of Cloud's villa.   
"Damnit Sephiroth! Where the hell are my pants!?"  
Sephiroth was hiding in the closet, giggling frantically, and holding onto Cloud's pants for dear life. Cloud stormed around the villa in his underwear.   
"Damnit Sephiroth! Give me back my Goddamn pants!"   
Red XIII padded out of his room and smirked at the poor Cloud as he was helplessly trying to find his pants. The most intelligent being had a pretty good idea of what was going on, and didn't exactly care for the two's immaturity. He sat down on his haunches and lapped up his daily bowl of milk, while glancing at the Costa Posta (The Costa Del Sol newspaper). He snickered at the ridiculous name, finishing his milk. He padded back over to Cloud, who was so stupid he couldn't even figure out that Sephiroth was in the closet. It was completely pitiful.   
"Cloud, you do realize that you haven't checked the closet. Right?"   
Cloud tilted his head like a confused animal.   
"Oh yeah! Thanks Red!"  
"You're most absolutely welcome my friend."  
Cloud dashed to the closet. It was a wonder Red could actually put up with them, let alone live in the same house. Cloud opened the door to find Sephiroth huddled up in there, clutching his dark purple pants.  
"Jesus Sephiroth! What the hell is the matter with you?"  
He snatched his pants from him and put them on quickly while Sephiroth laughed hysterically.   
"You really are a numb nuts!"   
"Shut the hell up Seph. You're retarded."  
Cloud latched his belt on and hooked his suspenders to it. He stepped into the kitchen, intending to put Red's bowl in the sink but instead he stepped in a puddle of milk and went flying into the wall. The bowl flew out of his hand and smashed on his head. That, of course, made Seph laugh even more. Once Cloud came back to his senses, he gave Sephiroth a dirty look, and put the broken pieces of his favorite bowl into the garbage.   
"I'm taking Red XIII to the Gold Saucer today. I trust you're coming with us."  
Sephiroth snorted at Cloud's pitiful attempt to sound intellectual.  
"I'm coming with you. But I'm not dancing, nor am I having the least bit of fun."  
"Good. Then you'll stay out of trouble."  
Seph tossed his silver mane behind him. He took good care of those beautiful locks of hair. Unlike Cloud, whose hair was a mess, all crusty and soaked with gel. Sephy wrapped his cape around him, and stepped out of the kitchen. The air conditioner was too strong in there. (Actually I don't even know how he could wear that long black outfit on a hot day -.- but it IS just a video game.) Cloud finished cleaning up and followed him out. There was a big red streak down his face from crashing into the wall.   
"We need softer walls."  
The time came for the trio to head out for Corel, but of course Squall found out they were going and was curious so they brought him along too. Once at Corel, they noticed something peculiar about the Gold Saucer advertisement. Instead of saying Gold Saucer, It just said... Fish Sticks. Cloud scratched the back of his head.  
"Fish.... Sticks?"  
Red XIII wagged his flame-tipped tail and tilted his head at it in confusion.   
"What is this all about?"  
Sephiroth was puzzled as well.   
"I don't know. Did they get rid of the Gold Saucer?"  
Cloud shrugged, as usual, and stepped forward.  
"Let's go find out."  
So the four of them hopped onto the train type thing and headed for the Gold Saucer. When they got there, they saw a bunch of people dressed up as fish sticks. Squall wrinkled his nose at the sorry sight.   
"What the freaking hell is this?!"  
Cloud shrugged once again, and again he continued forward. He walked up to one of the human fish sticks and put his hands on his hips.  
"S'cuse me sir, but ...what's going on here?"  
The fish stick man looked at him oddly and replied.  
"I have no idea what you're talking about kid."  
"I mean with the fish sticks...What happened to the normal Gold Saucer?"  
"Oh...Dio decided he didn't want to run the place anymore. Someone called him unfit or something. So he went back to the weapon shop on the east of this continent. He likes it there. We got a new manager and this is what the Gold Saucer is now. So live with it. Dio's not coming back."  
Red XIII Sat on his haunches and shook his head while Cloud rubbed his chin. Sephiroth scratched his head, and Squall folded his arms. (Sigh, it's hard trying to write about 4 people at the same time) Red gave them all an angry look.  
"Why don't we just go to the weapon shop and talk to Dio to find out what's going on?"  
Cloud's eyes brightened.  
"YES RED! That's it!" (What a bunch of wingnuts.)  
They all traveled to the small weapon shop, owned by that unknown guy that no one ever seems to remember. They stepped in to find Dio sleeping naked on the couch. Cloud was staring so Sephiroth slapped him.   
"We came here to talk to him not to molest him, you freaking pervert!"   
"Yeah...okay Seph"  
Cloud rubbed his face that now had a giant red hand mark on it, and leaned over, poking Dio in the face.   
"Wake up!"  
Dio jumped and grabbed Cloud, out of fright, throwing him across the room. Sephiroth walked over to Cloud and kicked him. He didn't move.  
"Out cold."  
Red cleared his throat and sat down, looking up at Dio, who was now covered by a sheet. He sighed and began to speak.  
"Dio, we have come because we found out that you left the gold saucer. What could have caused you to do that? You loved that place."  
"I got tired of running it. Being the macho, gorgeous guy that I am, I decided that I was working to hard. So I came here."  
Squall frowned.  
"But the guy at the Saucer said you got kicked out or something. And, what does being macho and pretty have to do with working to hard?!"  
"He was misinformed, and I didn't want to ruin my perfect guyish figure"  
Seph rolled his eyes, and turned his back toward Dio. Red thought for a moment, and spoke again.  
"Dio, you have so much money, that if you didn't want to work, you could've hired someone to run it for you."  
Dio blinked.  
"My goodness cat. You're right. Now what am I going to do? I want my Gold Saucer back."  
"Why don't you just buy it back?"  
Dio blinked again...(doesn't do much does he?)  
"My god...you're right! Alright everyone! We're off to the gold saucer!"  
He hopped off the couch, still holding the sheet and walked to the door.  
"Uhm..." Squall interrupted, "...Don't you want to put on some clothes first?"  
"Oh yes!"  
Dio stormed into the bathroom, and put some clothes on. (Thank God)  
  
A few hours later, the five arrived at the Gold Saucer once again. Sephiroth was carrying the still knocked out Cloud on his back, while they traveled through the corrupted place.   
Dio looked around in disgust.  
"Wow, they really DID ruin this place."  
They got to Dio's showroom within about 5 minutes, but to Sephiroth it seemed about 5 hours.   
"Can we hurry this up? Cloud may look puny, but he isn't light."  
Cloud opened his eyes slowly and snorted.  
"I heard that!"  
He hopped down off of Seph's back, and poor Sephy breathed a sigh of relief, as Dio marched right up to the new manager.  
"I want my Gold Saucer back."  
The fish stick man shook his head.  
"Sorry buddy. It belongs to me now."  
"But...I'll buy it back. How much do you want?"  
"Look, I already have tons of money. I don't need any more of it."  
"Well then, make a proposition, and I'll give it to you."  
The funny looking, crusty man rubbed his beard over and over again as he was thinking. He finally came up with an idea.  
"How about this? ...Three of you guys will fight my fish stick trio. They're the top fighters of my fish stick army."  
Cloud opened his mouth to say no but Dio answered before he could say anything. They really weren't looking forward to fighting anyone...Let alone a bunch of ...well ...fish sticks.   
"They'll do it!"  
After a few minutes of arguing about who was going to do it, Cloud decided that red should pick the three to fight. Red was quite excited about this since he, himself, did not want to participate in this.  
"Hmm...I think Cloud, Squall, and Sephiroth should fight."  
Squall protested.  
"Why doesn't Dio have to fight."  
Red's tail wagged to show his irritation with this ...teenager.  
"We're doing this for him ...remember? Besides, ...Do you really think we'll win if we let him fight?"  
"..... You do have a point there..."  
Soon it was time for the tournament. Cloud, Squall, and Sephiroth took their positions in the Battle Arena. They watched as the three fighters, dressed in fish stick costumes stepped into the room. Cloud wondered how they could fight with those crusty costumes on. The three heroes took their fighting stances as the Fish Stick Trio advanced on them. One member, an extremely tall one, lunged at Cloud. Though, Cloud was too busy watching one of the other ones attack Sephiroth, that he didn't even notice his attacker. Cloud was knocked half way across the room, but he managed to get up without as much as a scratch.   
"This'll teach you to mess with me!"  
After a few moments of chanting some words that seemed like gibberish to the tall fish stick, a bunch of meteors flew out of Cloud's Ultima Weapon and flattened the fish stick man. The spiky-boy stepped over his prey and put his hands to his hips, beaming. Suddenly, a large fish stick-club clonked Cloud on the head and he was out cold.   
Sephiroth ran over to help his friend, when he slipped and crashed into Cloud's second attacker. The two went flying and knocked into some old lady, who was watching the fight. She flew clear out of her seat. The poor old maid didn't even see that one coming.   
Squall, screaming like a maniac, had taken down his opponent with a giant blast from his Gunblade. There was only one left now ...and Sephiroth had him covered. He shot a blast of ice at him, and the poor fish stick froze as hard as a brick. When he hit the ground the ice shattered, piercing him with its sharp pieces. The heroes had won the battle.   
"It's obvious that now I have to give back the Gold Saucer!" Said Captain Fish Stick as he was weeping uncontrollably. "I don't know how they could've lost."  
Cloud beamed again and brushed blonde locks out of his eyes.  
"We're the best of the best...that's how."  
"Alright..." said the Captain, "I'll give you the Gold Saucer.... But there's one more thing I have to do before I leave."  
"What's that?" Dio blinked.  
"Hahahah!" The captain charged at Dio and beat him repeatedly with a fish stick until he was knocked senseless and then he bolted off into the distance. "Goodbye suckers!!!!"  
Cloud slapped his forehead and then looked at Red. The heroes had saved the day once again but there was still one more thing on Cloud's mind.  
"I'm sorry for dragging you around Red... I was only trying to get you out of the house for once."  
The lion-beast smiled, and chuckled softly.  
"Oh Cloud. You always know how to cheer me up. I had a great day thanks to you and our other friends. Do not worry about me. This was the perfect end to a perfect day."  
Then they all went home, leaving Dio at the Gold Saucer to rejoice over his victory, and ate ice cream until Squall puked on Sephiroth... and he was really pissed... but that's another story.   
  
THE END  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
